Blisters & Blessings

Its not my first time, I have experienced this feeling, this pain earlier. It is the pain of being cheated and let-down, just that this time the degree is more. I grew up with the belief that if you do good you will reap good. So, when things don’t work that way, when you face it blatantly it was hard.

My nephew, the only alive witness to my dad’s will who had agreed to affirm the validity of the will in a legal process used the opportunity to sabotage. Two weeks back when I spoke to him his response was very positive, himself said to ignore the misunderstandings between our mother’s. But morning when I called him his tone, tenor, cross-examinations, rudeness revealed his intention to hurt and to instigate, saying “I cannot come anywhere and everywhere to sign as you ask to”. I closed asking him to do whatever he feels correct as per his moral values. I was devastated.

Lady of my age group driving the car was completely shaken up after she hit my car (actually my Brother in law’s). She was very apologetic, accepted her mistake and agreed to bear all expenses. Damage was not too big, but the rear and driver door were damaged, quite a bit of body work. She shared her contact details (phone and address), she lived next to our apartment complex. Considering the traffic being held-up in the crucial corner I let her go that we can sort it out offline. Post work when I called her, she blindly handed the call to her husband who outright said nothing can be done and it is not their problem. She had misused my empathy, I felt cheated.

Irrespective of many disappointments/blisters some of them with more loss monetary wise, the above two blisters stand out. Because it was in the way I was let down. Post my call with nephew it was hard to control my sobs and feelings as it was from a known person, a close relative, brother, our generation and just like us. He was supportive during my previous call 2 weeks ago, he agreed that misunderstanding between our mother’s are like passing clouds and shouldn’t be taken up seriously. But now completely changed his stand. I needed long time to accept the statement and the aftermath. It was hard because of all administrative efforts, of all the haggles in exploring alternate options, all the physical efforts done single-handedly. Feelings and thoughts gushed up as why to me, why now, do I deserve this, why is GOD giving me so many challenges. Feeling that he had wronged invoked strong negative reactions against him, it was inevitable.

Once our feelings are internalized and accepted then kicks-in our value system, our beliefs. It is not a feat to be good when situations are all good, well within your control. When the wind is not your way, when problems are endless, when every step is challenging our values and beliefs are all being tested. My dad never taught any values explicitly as dos/don’t’ s but let us imbibe it through his life. He was all along humble, and never carried any grudge despite being hurt. Not sure how he was able to do it, it is hard for me. I remembered his words on “I didn’t wrong anybody in this birth but not sure what I did in my previous birth”. Ok, it is my karma that I am facing this problem and probably my nephew is earning his. Once I removed the person as the source of my problem, it helped to accept the situation and not to have any negative emotions or grudges.

Even during my Dad’s toughest phases of life, he didn’t lose faith, he was always a positive person. What can be positive in my current situation? probably nothing that I could think of now. But then I recollected every support from known/unknown people without any expectations and the list left me gratifying. The bus conductor who bought ticket for my mom when she had run out of cash (in 1990s) while returning late night from her native. Topped it up with more cash to complete her last leg of bus trip to home, not a small or easy money for him. Consistent and continuous efforts by my friend in getting us through a bureaucratic administrative process, our family friend who is always there during every crisis, my sister’s friend now guiding us through this legal process, my friend in states who always has an ear for me (to help me bounce back), my close friend who has spent endless days and nights with me at hospitals and otherwise, support from our apartment mates when dad was hospitalized, the fond and affectionate inquiries by shop vendors on amma and her health……. I am blessed and want to count my blessings. I liked this quote “life is not a bed of roses, but I will rather believe it so than believe it as bed of thorns”. I might fall again, and it will still hurt just like every time we get a new blister. But I am confident that I can heal myself, will get up and respond to it counting/reflecting blessings.